Pasta Everyday

When I was a young girl, I remember sitting on the passenger side of the car while my mother was driving. I was looking out the window and I said, “Mom, when I grow up I want to marry an Italian so we can eat pasta every day.” My mom laughed.
If only life were that easy. If only we could remember all of the simple statements we made as children about what we wanted life to be like when we got older and then stuck to them. (Well…aside from wanting to be Cinderella and wearing big colorful dresses everydayJ) I wonder now, as an adult, if my mom was laughing because what I said was funny or at what she knew about life and what I didn’t. Perhaps it was a little of both.
The irony is…now, my mother makes homemade chicken soup when I am sick and tells me to have a bowl before bed because it will make me feel better. It’s not that I don’t believe her, but when did life become that simple again? Chicken soup…eating pasta everyday…this simplicity goes beyond “food is love.” There is a contradiction of time from when I was a simple child watching my mother go through life times to me going through life times and my mother being simple. It all happened so fast – I feel blindsided.
After completing college, becoming a science teacher and marrying a great guy, my sister spent 5 years trying to conceive a child. Finally…she had one. He was a preemie born at 1 pound, 6 ounces. My cousin has three children with different fathers and lives on welfare. Now, my husband and I face the same battle conceiving as my sister did and my cousin is pregnant again. The absurdity is not in the struggle, but watching the ease at which others attain goals that are difficult to attain by others. Will eating the chicken soup really make me feel better?
I mention this experience in child conception in the same text as child thought processes being simple because there seems to be a deeper correlation that goes beyond small quirks of fate. The innocence…simplicity…uncomplicatedness of pure life experiences all leads to the creation of something beyond the logical order of things. Who wants to eat pasta every day? A simple child. Why have children? To understand simplicity. The same simplicity that is a distant memory as we get older.
Fate…choices…simple…complicated…does it really matter? A number of people believe in fate, several don’t. Some spend their lives making simple choices that turn out complicated and others make complicated choices that turn out simple. Life does what it does without our control but it doesn’t make it any easier. We hear trouble-free, poignant life statements from children every day. Are these the riddles adults spend their lives trying to figure out?
Last week, I was watching my formally preemie nephew walking backwards on my mother’s linoleum kitchen floor in red slippers with a smile on his face. Wasn’t he afraid of falling? No….I was afraid for him. With his eyes fixated on three people he trusted, his blind, backwards adventure on the slippery floor was of no consequence to him. He was safe as long as he kept his eye on what he knew.
Perhaps that’s the trick…or lesson. As adults we are pulled in so many different directions…our paths get confusing….and our eyes taken from what’s really important…complications arise and simplicity is lost. Walking forward is scary enough most days. Walking backwards with only our sights on what is real…well…that’s just too simple. Pasta anyone?

A Heart and Mind Lesson

It is a strange, but inspiring feeling when the paths that you have travelled finally make sense. Many times frustrated, stressed, angry, sad or just plain confused, I've asked, "Why." Why am I struggling? Why am I fighting? Why am I not fulfilled?
After obtaining my Bachelor's Degree in English Literature, I felt depressed. For 6 years, I worked full time and went to school full-time. All of the racing around and studying stopped all at once and I found myself standing next to a new husband, a new home, 2 dogs and a degree in my hand. I cried for weeks. Was this the part where I started cooking and popping out babies?
A constant fighter for change and rights (I also minored in Women's Studies), I've always gone against the grain...down a path many resist...rebelling all the way. I could feel my mind shrinking already...a battle brewed in my mind between the person I've always known as myself and who I thought I should be.
I started freelance writing for Business People Magazine and joined a writing course with The Institute of Children's Literature. Still..I just wasn't getting it. I hated writing for a conservative, money driven magazine and I certainly struggled with writing for 5 years old children. Then, my friend suggested I post my resume at Ivy Tech. So..I did. It was the best decision I ever made.
Last fall, at my wits end and at the end of a life road that either turned left or right, I received a message from Ivy Tech asking if I was available to teach some courses. I held the phone in my hand and then tossed it on the seat of my car after listening to the message. Minutes went by and I sat there. Self-doubt and disbelief set in. Was I good enough? Smart enough? Was I prepared enough? I grabbed the phone and returned the call. It was the second best decision I ever made.
Instantly, I fell in love with teaching. The students were energetic, payed attention, enjoyed my class and told me that they learned more than they ever thought they would. I found my place. Teaching was it for me. I returned to IPFW as a Secondary Education major, but I questioned my decision. Every time I told some one what I was doing, I found it hard to say. I had not fully learned the lesson to listen to my heart and my mind.
As I taught more and spoke with peers and superiors at Ivy Tech, I felt that High School was not where I needed to be...college was.
Throughout my college experience and on many occasions, I felt inspired, excited and a part of something greater than myself. No wonder I was so sad when I graduated. I had always known where my puzzle piece fit, but I couldn't see it yet.
So...now I am back as a graduate student and completely at peace. It is difficult sometimes. I don't see my husband very often, I work a full time job in addition to teaching three, three hour courses at Ivy Tech a week, taking care of a large household, bills, a business (my husband is self-employed as a farmer) and well...sleeping. In addition to the stresses of daily life, I come from a large, Italian family. My grandmother constantly asks why I am so thin and why don't I have any babies yet? Once, she asked if we had been to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with us. Pressure from small minded, small town family members in my husband's family added to the pressure from my old-school Italian family makes it even more difficult sometimes. My husband and I tune it out most days and try to think of the positive. We can see our goals and know that attaining them will make all of the hard work pay off.